Wednesday, May 4, 2011

I feel

I feel.
That’s all I do, ever.
I feel the million atoms of air that flow in and out of my body; I see them like dust, like an army of zealous children vying to come first in the race.
I feel calm. Silence; with an omnipotent engine running in the background somewhere, emanating energy continuously, creating life-sustaining motion in the air.
I am not pure.
I have had my share of sins. But right now, in this moment which is losing me every fleeting second, I feel the power to be pure, to be without disagreements with myself.
I have some unanswered questions, few broken relationships, some lost battles. But today, I have desires to be better, climb higher, fight harder. I am a human being after all.
But my mind says to me that it doesn’t understand the point of it all. Like a little kid watching the magic show for the first time, it is confused. It takes the extremes to convince me; he says there were people like Einstein and Hitler who did herculean tasks; made the world resonate with them and then there are people like me who breathe, exist for a while and then vanish into the unknown. Still the earth’s cycle goes on uninterrupted, people still take birth and die, and they still embrace happiness and fight gloom. It asks me: What’s the point of it all? What’s the point of growing and dying? What is there to live for when nothing’s eternal? Where’s the everlasting self?
I am speechless and clueless. I feel weak and want to cry, to surrender to the almighty, if He’s there. My heart is heavy with emotions, with love and dejection. But there’s a quiet corner somewhere in my heart that refuses to quit; it disagrees with me, it makes me feel that ‘God’ doesn’t want to see me surrender; he wants to see me burn in the flaring fires of hard work, to break all odds, to crush every tornado in the arduous path to find my answers. I close my eyes and see an unbounded and melting form of human in my imagination, challenging me to come to Him.
I want to laugh at myself, at the virtual world I live in; creating God of human form and believing in it, with utmost faith. But then a disturbing thought makes me stop: Isn’t that what the whole world preaches?
God ought to be more than that; my little corner of heart tells me that. Laughter breaks the spell though. And I can again feel my body, my fingers, face. I am again a part of the cycle. That means I can listen to music or play or do what I do best: I feel.

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